Chapter 1.1

I kept remembering the past,
I don't know why.
I went to read his tweet.
Beyond time.
All his first tweet.
I only tweeted him once.
I never acknowledge him as my love.
Now I feel bad.
Never once I acknowledge my love for him to the world.
And I hate my self for it.
I know that time.
I take him for granted.
I only want his money.
The day before he die we had a fight
About money.
I get mad when he went to movie with his friend.
I lied to him saying I don't have money but you went to movie with your friend.
He never scold me back.
He bank in to me 20 ringgit.
And I smiled that time.
Cause I got the money.
I didn't know that time he has nothing.
I did have something that time.
And it kill me everyday.
Everyday I remember it.
It make me feel misserable.
I am so sorry.
I know its too late to apologize.
But I really am sorry.
Seriously sayang.
I gave you hell when you were besides me.
And I don't know why I did that.
All I chase is your money.
Without showing you my love.
I cried everytime I think about it.
It make me feel disgusting.
You gave me everything
But on that time I was keeping my heart open.
I kept searching for the best.
But the truth is you are already the best for me.
I don't know what to say.
I am hopeless.
I take you for granted.
I never appreciate you.
Even it was 4 years ago.
I still feel the pain.
I feel it.
I know I'm at fault here.
I relied to much to you.
I never asked HIM.
I asked you.
And Allah take you away for me.
For Allah wants me to ask HIM.
I am sorry.
I trully am.
I know Im not the best for you.
But you are the best for me.
You gave me all you had.
I only gave you want I want to give you which is not everything.
Cause now I have all this thing that I wish I gived to you when you were alive.
I miss you badly.
I can't move on.
I still love you.
But its wrong now.
Cause I'm married to someone just like you.
Who gave me all the thing in the world
And yet I do the same.
I kept wanting to give what I had to you.
And I know I can't.
I have to give this feeling to my husband now.
But I just felt sorry and pain.
I really want to go back in time.
I really want to give you all of me.
I really am sorry.
I truely am.
I belong to someone else now.
I think he will be in pain if he know I still remember you.
I don't want to forget you.
I can't.
I really can't.
I kept wanting to live in the past.
I want you.
But its impossible right?
You are not here anymore.
I'm with him now.
And no matter how much I want him to be you, he can't be you.
You are gone.
And I have to live with it.
I'm sorry to both of you.
I don't know what to do.
I kept reliving the past that I forget all that matters is the future.
I never will forget you.
But as for now,
Im trying to stop wanting him to be more like you.
He will always be him.
And you will always be you.
As my love for you.
There always be some love for you.
Even its not everything.
I could say that I got some love for you till today.
I loved you.
And I love him.
May both of you forgive me for not showing it.
But trust me.
I always love you guys.
Always be.

NSA
15.5.18